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azurenights

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February 14th, 2009

iPon!

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This video is amazing!

February 8th, 2009

Just a quick one

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...before I go to work. I'm eating breakfast right now, but I know it's been a while since I've written and I just wanted to jot down a bit. Here's what's new in my life.

As of early January, I'm no longer working at Bath and Body Works. I don't mind...some of the girls were just downright bitchy. Though I am glad I got the chance to work at my favorite store in the mall, and to meet people like Juanita and Nancy. They rock. I'm still working at Waldenbooks, and I've been there for 3 months now. Hard to believe! I like it there a lot, but everyone other than management has had their hours drastically cut. I worked 4 hours last week. 4. ONE day. Needless to say, I can't live on that kind of money. So I got in touch with Area Temps and Office Team, and I'm hoping they can find some work for me. On Friday, Office Team sent me to a local union office to do some general office work...filing, preparing the mail, folding letters, etc. And I got paid $9.25/hr. for that, and never once had to answer a phone. Rockage.

I guess what I'm really hoping for is to be hired temp. to perm. I've heard several people say that they got their jobs through a temp. agency, so it can be a pretty good way of finding steady work. I've finally come to accept that trying to find work on my own is fruitless, and I'd have better chances winning the lottery and becoming a millionaire. So yeah, I'm graciously accepting help from the temp. agencies now.

Oh, and Erik is really, really sick right now. He's been in the Wellness Center for the past 2 days with the stomach flu. He's got the fever, puking, and all the other wonderful stuff that comes with it. He told me that when he came down with it, he was so violently ill, he couldn't even walk and had to have someone help him to the Wellness Center...which is literally next door to his dorm. I mean, wow. I feel awful that my baby's so sick and I'm not there to take care of him. But I'm sure he'll start feeling better soon. His I.S. performance is on Friday, so I'm taking Michael down with me and we're gonna see him then. I can't wait!! I've got a little surprise for him, which I think he'll like. I just really, really miss him. He's been on my brain constantly ever since I had to go without seeing him for a month, during Christmas. I really need to get a life sometimes, hah!

Well, gotta finish getting ready for work. Adios!

December 30th, 2008

Yes Man...er, Ma'am

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I'm feeling a multitude of emotions right now - most of them negative - and I think the best thing to do to vent some of them is to just put it all out there. Especially since he isn't here to hear me say it right now, and I'm not sure he even wants to hear it.

I think I'm making a huge mistake.

See, for a while now I've been thinking about dating around and playing the field a bit. Not to have fun, but to see if there really is somebody out there for me - someone who could treat me better than Erik has in the past. I found a couple guys here and there that were interesting, and I had my fun with them, but there was no one I ever even considered dating seriously. Recently, all that has changed. There's this guy I work with, Chris, and he's always been fun to flirt with. For a while it was one-sided...I thought either he wasn't interested in me, or perhaps he was just like most guys - completely oblivious to female attention! Within the past week, though, things have fallen into place and he asked me out. I was flattered, and thrilled that he was finally reciprocating my flirtations, so I said "yes" almost without even thinking. Soon after, I called Erik and told him about the situation and that he and I were over. He took the news calmly, as I think he'd been expecting it for some time. He told me he just wanted me to be happy, and wanted me to date this other guy so that if things didn't work out, I could come back to him again with the satisfaction of knowing I didn't let the opportunity pass me by.

For the first couple days, I was happy with my decision. Even looking forward to starting over with Chris. Then I started to think about BTB (a.k.a. Buck-toothed Bitch, or the infamous Natalie). If Erik and I were broken up, I knew the bitch would seize her chance to take him and make sure I never have him again. So I called Erik and asked him if he planned on dating BTB. At first it was a maybe. But as we talked more, by the end of the conversation he was almost guaranteeing he was going to ask her out and start dating her. Why? According to him it's because, a) she's the only girl that knows he exists, b) she's something new and exciting, and c) it's something to keep him from becoming depressed while I date Chris. He still stands by what he's said earlier, which is that she's got nothing on me. She's into politics, and Erik abhors it. She listens to emo and rap, and Erik's not such a big fan of that. (And with Erik and I, music was a very huge aspect of our relationship.) Plus, I've got 3 years on her, yadda yadda yadda. Even so, the thought of him eating meals with her, cuddling and watching movies with her, and having sex again with her...it makes me want to curl up and die. No joke.

That's not really the worst of it, though. As I'm getting to know Chris better, I'm finding out little things about him that are a bit disturbing. I kinda figured he'd be a virgin - after all, he's a pastor's kid! But from what he's told me, it's not so much that he's shunned sex. He just has never had the opportunity! And get this. He's NEVER BEEN KISSED. EVER. And he's supposedly had 3 girlfriends! I don't understand it. It just reeks of something disturbing. If no one else has touched him up until this point - and he's 23 years old! - then, what is the reason?

After all of this, the chemistry I once used to feel around Chris just isn't there very much. Now that he's finally returning my advances, I'm not so sure I like it. Tonight, as we sat in the dark movie theater and watched the Jim Carrey movie "Yes Man," I wished that it was Erik's shoulder I was resting my head on. When he held my hand, it felt all wrong. And as the movie drew to a close, playing Journey's "Separate Ways" (one of my classic favorite songs!), the true message of the film started to emerge. Saying yes is a great thing, but one should be careful what they say yes to because there are consequences to each decision we make. And "yes" is not the right answer for every situation.

I'm realizing I may have been a little too quick to say "yes" this time.
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December 1st, 2008

My 12-Hour Day

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PHEW! I made it! Though I've been dreading it for weeks now, I finally worked my first day at both the bookstore and Bath and Body Works. My day started at 9. I got up and ready for work, picked up a SoBe No Fear so I could have energy throughout the day, then went right to Waldenbooks. They handed me the money and keys to the Calendar Store and told me to open up - eeeeek! I had so many questions...how do you get the gate up all the way? How do you open the cash register? Which light switches do I flip on? Where the hell do we keep the paper rolls for the cash register?! But I was able to call Alex and Cale and get help from them, so it was all good. After an hour, I went back to Waldenbooks and stayed there until the last half hour of my shift, when they sent me down to the calendar kiosk. It was a really laid-back crew for most of the day...Cale, Chris, Alex, Aleece, Melanie, Karen, some other girl (don't know her name yet!) and me. Alex and Melanie went home pretty early, but I really enjoyed working with the rest of them. Chris and I were talking about how he used to be in drama club, and Aleece and I shared bad roommate stories. Those guys make it fun to work! And the BS'ing definitely made my day go by quickly.

After Waldenbooks, I went into the back room, finished the other half of my chicken sub, started drinking the SoBe, and then visited Chris over at the calendar store before starting my shift at BBW. I wanted to kill some time, and Chris is fun to talk to. He's adorably nerdy, and what's more, his dad is the new reverend at our church! He keeps telling me to come to church, lol. I haven't been there regularly in YEARS. Seriously, it's been 5 years. I've gone sporadically during that time (during holidays, when Mom makes me, lol!). But now that Chris is there, who knows. I might start going again.

Anyway, sorry about that tangent. Back to the work day! I started at BBW at 6. We were doing floorsets, and everyone was dressed down in their sweatpants and t-shirts. Too bad I didn't get the memo! I was wearing my nice white ruffly top and gray pinstripe pants! But yeah, it was kind of a bonding experience with the other girls. Even though no one wanted to stay up late and work that hard, it kind of struck me as similar to sorority initiations! Not that I'd know about that or anything...lol. But yeah, they gave us each a partner to work with, and our job was to take stuff off of one table and begin assembling a new one. I was partnered with Amanda (who's worked for BBW the longest of anyone at our store - score for me!), who knew pretty much where to find all the products we needed from the back room. She and I were very efficient. We filled up the octagon table at the middle of the store - pretty much one of our centerpieces. We were supposed to stock it according to the diagram sent to us by Corporate, but that was really hard considering we were missing several items (home fragrance oil, room spray, Winter Candy Apple *anything*). But we improvised, and with our SM's help, we got it looking awesome. I started feeling pretty exhausted about halfway through it, though. My stomach hurt and I felt like I was gonna pass out in the back room! I had to take a time out and relax. But after that I got right back to work and helped with sweeping and trash collection. It was a loooooong, long night. But I felt really proud by the end of it. I'd helped in making the store look nice! Plus, it was nice getting to know Amanda a little better. I'm hoping she'll continue to be an ally for me in the future. It's good to have people to back you up when dealing with snotty customers.

But yeah, that was my night. As for today, I was supposed to work from 12:30 to 5:30, but Dana called and told me they wouldn't need me. I was so relieved! My feet STILL hurt this morning when I woke up, and I desperately needed some "me" time. Not that I've done much with it, LOL! I've pretty much sat here on the computer all day. I made some eggnog earlier from that mix Nella got me last Christmas (it's sooo good!), and I'm thinking in a little while I might play some Sims 2. It's not as much fun to play now with 2 adults and 3 kids to control. But still, it's nice to see me and Erik's "virtual family." :) HeatherSim is about to officially become an elder! I wonder what I'll look like with gray hair? ErikSim drank some of the Elixir of Life, so he's about 3 days (roughly, years) younger than HeatherSim. I think that's great, because it perfectly reflects our age difference in real life! But yeah, our family now consists of an adult daughter, teenage son, and younger son. It's fun watching them grow up!

Ok, ok. I've rambled long enough. Time for some Simming!

November 29th, 2008

Black Friday

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What a whirlwind. I'm just so glad it's over and done now! I think I'll be content if I never participate in these kinda retail festivities for the rest of my life. I was only working for 5 hours, but it felt more like 5 days. There were so many people in the store, and I was constantly in motion, so I was sweating like crazy. And then my feet and legs absolutely ached when I left. I came home and just crashed in the chair in the living room, watched some TV (caught up on my Living with the Wolfman episodes...I love that show!), and ate my lunch. That was followed by hours of unadulterated sleep. Ahhhhhhhh.

I really dreaded having to wake up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready for work. I wanted to make sure I got to the mall no later than 5:30 (my call was 5:45) so that I'd have plenty of time to put on my apron and name tag, and prepare. Besides, our hiring manager Lenette told us once that if we get there on time, we're late...that we need to get there early. So imagine my surprise when I ring the doorbell to get into the back, and Dana (our pregnant store manager) starts yelling at me before she even opens it, saying, "We already told you guys we were NOT opening the doors before 5:45!" For a split second, I thought maybe I should duck and cover, lol. But I stayed and took the verbal abuse - though not without scowling at her and trying to explain myself - and got ready for my shift, anyway.

But honestly, what kind of way is that to treat your employees? I know I'm only temporary and they probably think they can get away with treating me like dirt, but come on. I woke up EXTRA early to make sure I got my ass there on time, and I get reprimanded for being a good employee! For doing the right thing. I was really enraged by the whole thing. But it will take a lot more to get me to quit, especially in this terrible economy. I just need to build up a thicker skin, take a deep breath, and let little things like this roll off my back. If anything, I can chalk it up to her hormones making her a bitch. Or maybe Dana really is a bitch. I suspect the latter could very well be true.

November 26th, 2008

Oreo Mint...mmmmmm!

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Tonight I was driving around the neighborhood over by Liquid Planet tonight, and seeing as though I was thirsty, I decided to stop in. I was craving mint like nobody's business, but I wasn't sure if LP had any minty drinks on their menu. Lo and behold, they actually have a seasonal Oreo Peppermint Patty drink! So I went with that, and I was hooked at the first sip. I mean, it was simply amazing. I don't think I've ever felt something so *cool* slide down my throat. It was a very strange (not to mention delicious) sensation. Needless to say, I'll be back there for more in the near future.

And in other good news, I finally managed to pick up a car adapter for my Sansa View mp3 player - and it actually works! I bought a Griffin iTrip a little over a month ago, and despite my high hopes, the device was riddled with static. The only way to avoid the static was to have it touching some part of my body (hey, don't get any ideas) at all times. Needless to say, when I'm driving, I have more important things to worry about than babysitting a shitty piece of technology. Sadly, I took the adapter back to Best Buy and pretty much gave up on my quest for making my mp3 player car-friendly. But after landing my 2 jobs and getting my first paychecks, I decided to go back out and look again. So tonight I went up to Walmart and found a Belkin TuneCast. I was a bit skeptical about it, seeing as though it was about $10 cheaper than the POS I got from Best Buy (the mecca of technology!), and after all, I was getting it from Wallyworld. But from the moment I plugged it into my car lighter, it's worked beautifully! I drove all over the city (hence, why I was out and stopped at LP) and blasted my tunes. I was definitely loving it.

Despite my affection for my new and beloved device, it's apparently gotten terrible reviews online. People complain about static, the same problem I had with my other, more expensive car adapter. So I really hope that tonight's test drive wasn't just a fluke, and that this thing is gonna crap out on me in the future. Ever since getting my mp3 player, there's been a divide in the kind of music I listen to in my car (old CD's, since I haven't really bought any new ones recently) and the vast array of new music I add to my computer's library weekly. Provided that this adapter works, I can finally bring that new music out of my bedroom and into the car! Freakin' sweet.

That's about it for now. I have to be up for work in about 8 hours, so I should definitely get going. The insomniac in me wants to stay up for at least another hour or two and keep adding music to the mp3 player, but hell. I've got all kinds of time off this week. Plenty of time for that!

November 24th, 2008

Working Girl

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Hey all! Just thought I'd take some time to talk about what's new in my life. A little over a week ago I started my new jobs at Waldenbooks and Bath and Body Works. I'm really liking them both! There's definitely something fun about retail. It's way more exciting than any office job I've ever had, anyway. My favorite part is being able to connect with the customers in a positive way. This happens mostly at Bath and Body Works, since I'm familiar with our products and passionate about them, too. Just a few days ago, there was this older woman that walked into the store saying she needed to find a gift for her daughter but she wasn't sure what fragrances her daughter would like. Honestly, this is almost exactly the scenario they prepared us for in Holiday training, so I was pumped! I offered to show the woman our holiday gift sets (with the tiny lotions) and explained that they were a great deal for the price, and she agreed! I wasn't expecting her to agree with me so easily, but she seemed glad that I'd shown her that. That's the kind of stuff I enjoy...making a customer's day, or just feeling like I've truly helped them in some way.

And as for the Natalie situation, I'm really not too concerned about that anymore. I made up my mind last week to pick a random day and come down and visit Erik by surprise. It wasn't mainly to surprise him, but to surprise HER if she happened to be hanging out in his room. So I went down there just this past Wednesday, and boy was he surprised when he answered the door! Natalie (or Bucktoothed Bitch, as me and my friends have been calling her) wasn't there, which was probably a good thing. I didn't really want to see her, anyway. In some ways I really want to catch her by surprise and show her that I am still very much in Erik's life, and that there's no getting rid of me. But in other ways, the bitch makes me sick to my stomach and I'd like to never have to deal with her again.

But yeah, as to why I'm not worried. Erik and I went for a little drive to escape his roommate's never-ending Guitar Hero Blast-athon, did a little dance, made a little love (ok, not really the dancing part), and spent some meaningful time together out in the country backroads. We discussed BTB some more, and he reassured me that she means nothing to him and that he still loves me very, very much. For a while I was concerned that she was weaseling her way in, trying to become his best friend and get close to him. But from what he told me, she confides in him a lot more than he confides in her. Also, I guess there's other guys she's interested in that she tells him about. So Erik was saying that she's good for getting information from (i.e. about his cousin Toby), but he doesn't really share the intimate details of his life with her. I guess they've talked about me a couple times (which I'm not happy about, because each time she's said something derogatory about me), but I don't come up that often.

So the way I see it, this girl means pretty much nothing to him. She's someone to hang out with. And if he's desperately horny and I'm not there, I guess she's someone to fuck. (Even then, Erik said the sex was so bad that he'd try and get it from someone else before going back to her!) Pretty much, she's nothing to him. She may think she's something more, but she's severely mistaken. After all, when I look at this objectively, how much sense would it make for someone who's loved me for three years to just randomly leave me for some bimbo that he barely knows and has no feelings for whatsoever? Erik told me that himself, in his own words, "You and I have lived and died together for years now. No one else can touch that."

I think that sums it up pretty well. All that's left for me to do now is keep my chin up and stay strong. This is my opportunity to kick back, relax a bit, and realize that *I* am the girlfriend and that there's nothing that little whore can pull out of her bag of tricks to win him over. It's really that simple.

That's about it for now. I'm gonna eat, get a shower, and hopefully at some point begin that exercise regimen that's been niggling at my conscience for God knows how long. Til next time...

November 16th, 2008

Spewing some Venom

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It's really a shame that I never come here to write anymore unless it's something negative. I've actually had quite a few blessings in my life lately...perhaps I should discuss those, too, in all fairness. I got myself two part-time, seasonal jobs at the mall. w00t! Not exactly what I imagined myself doing post-graduation, but it's better than unemployment. It's sad, but so many other people are in the same boat as me right now with the way the economy has been. Anyway, I'm working at Bath and Body Works (kind of a dream of mine for years now!), and I LOVE it! The girls are nice (for the most part), and of course I've always loved their products. The other place I'm working at is Waldenbooks, in the same mall. I pretty much LIVE there now. I'm really enjoying being in retail again, and I didn't think I would! There's just something nice about dealing with people and having positive interactions with them. You just don't get that in office jobs; all the ones I've been at were bland and boring. I see people from all walks of life at my mall jobs, and I love helping them. I feel like I'm getting something really good in return, too.

Another good thing is that I reconnected with an old friend, Heather! (Yes, we have the same name. Get over it, LOL!) We go WAY back. I mean, she and I met when we were both 12 years old and sitting next to each other in Mrs. Borden's English class in the 7th grade. She's by far my longest friend. She and I got into a fight about 3 and a half years ago, and we just stopped talking and drifted apart. But one night I found her online, sent her a message, and voila! It's been so nice catching up with her, and it really seems like we picked up where we left off with ease. She has two children now! I couldn't believe it at first, but her little girls are absolutely gorgeous. And very sweet, too! She's got a third on the way. I told her I'll be there for the birth this time, haha!

Okay, so now onto the venom. I can't hold it in any longer. Where do I begin? Well, Erik and I have been pretty shaky ever since I graduated. Hell, we've *always* been shaky. I think we both thrive on that kind of sick excitement. Anyway. Lately it's been hard to tell where we stand. We still talk all the time and we definitely love each other, but for a while there I was really questioning if I should stay with him or move on and find someone who would treat me better. He told me he couldn't blame me if I looked for someone new because he knew how much he'd hurt me. He maintained that I was the only one he could ever love, and that he would only look to other girls for sex - nothing else. I wasn't too thrilled about it, but what can I do. An open relationship is better than no relationship. I've come to accept that.

So around the beginning of this year, this girl Natalie started hanging out with Erik's roommate, Dustin. She was over at their room all the time. I really didn't think anything of it until one day she posted all kinds of drunk pictures of her hanging all over him - and he didn't seem to mind. I kept calling and calling and calling him that day to find out what had happened that night, and he wouldn't pick up. So I drove down there and we had it out. I asked him what was up, and he said nothing was up. That Natalie was just a friend, that she later realized how bad the pictures looked, and told him she didn't mean anything by it. Blah blah blah.

A few weeks later, I came down to visit Erik for Homecoming Weekend. I ended up staying by myself in his room one night for 5+ hours because he had play rehearsal. Natalie came by with Dustin, and I met her for the first time. Then a few hours later that night, I was cuddling with Erik and watching TV. Dustin came back and told us Natalie's roommate had drank so much, she was being taken to the hospital. Natalie was on the phone freaking out. Dustin invited her to come over, but she didn't want to. Next thing you know, she starts texting Erik, saying, "I could really use someone right now..." Well, obviously he didn't reply back to her. She got upset, and sent him another text about 20 minutes later, which said something to the effect: "I think it's really sad you're with someone who supposedly loves you, but won't trust you enough to let you hang out with your friends when they need you." I. Was. LIVID!

How dare she! How dare anyone just presume that I "supposedly" love him, and that I was the one keeping him from doing ANYTHING! First of all, did she really just expect him to just drop everything and leave me AGAIN that night so he could comfort her? Honestly. That one text message spoke volumes about her immaturity, as well as her selfish desires! It was VERY clear to me then that she wanted to be more than just his friend.

So I wrote her an angry, though somewhat restrained, email. She replied and told me that Erik is nothing but a friend to her, and that my "insecurities" (yes, she actually stooped that low and told me I was insecure) were getting the best of me and making me believe there was something going on there that wasn't. Yeah fucking right.

And just a little while ago, Erik told me that this girl has clairvoyance, and that she apparently has been seeing the ghost of Erik's deceased cousin, Toby. He seems to believe what she's saying, and that Toby has some kind of message for him. How much you wanna bet she's going to tell him that Toby wants him to dump me? I'll bet you $50. Seriously.

That's not the worst of it. They made out at a party. Drunkenly. So I pretty much knew the sex was coming any day now. That happened last Saturday night. He told me about it the next day. And despite his reassurances that she's awful in bed, that it didn't mean a damn thing, and that it probably won't happen again...I was VERY depressed when I heard the news. I mean, honestly. The bitch has pretty much everything she wanted now. Any time he sleeps with anyone, I feel like they have stolen a part of something that is rightfully mine. I guess in this day and age, sex shouldn't mean so much to me. Maybe I'm reading into this way too much. But I just can't stand the thought of someone else with her hands all over the man I love. It's disgusting. It's wrong.

But as far as I know, Erik has told her that he and I are still in a relationship - though it's open. He is NOT looking for another girlfriend, and he is going to be monogamous with me after he graduates this coming May. But I STILL don't think she gets it. The whore won't stop until she has his heart.

Here is what's REALLY bothering me tonight. Her Facebook status message tonight was, "I'm bored of hanging out in your cold." Doesn't seem like much at the outset, does it? But I figured it sounded obscure enough to be a song lyric. I was right. It's from a Dido song called "Stoned." I think you'll need the lyrics to understand why I'm so upset:

"Stoned"
by Dido

When you're stoned, baby, I am drunk
And we make love, it seems a little desolate
It's hard sometimes not to look away
And think what's the point when I'm having to hold this fire down
I think I'll explode if I can't feel this freely now

[Chorus:]
If you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cos' I'm bored of hanging out in your cold

When I feel loved baby, I join the road
And the world moves with me
When I feel lost I just slip away
Silently, quietly take my things and go
And think what's the point, think where's the hope we're coming home

[Chorus]

And if you find one day, find some freedom and relief
With this freedom maybe, maybe you will find some peace
With this peace baby, I hope it brings you back to me
Bring you home, take me home

[Chorus]

Oh, take me home
Oh, take me home
When you're stoned, baby, take me home
Oh...



Hmmmmm...drunken/stoned sex? Sound familiar? Erik told me he was stoned when they had sex, and that it was awful. Apparently she wants to fall for him. I bet she already has. She thinks she can just kick me out of the picture, erase the love he and I have built up over the last three years, and all of a sudden be crowned the most important person in his life. I mean, honestly. The nerve! She might honestly be one of the coldest, most cruel and scheming people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.

That being said, Erik still says not to worry. It's very hard to, knowing that she goes to his room every single day and sees him way more than I do anymore. Our schedules are so busy, I'm lucky if I get a half hour with him every two weeks. I'm worried that somehow, she'll take my place while I'm gone. Move your feet, lose your seat. God, I hope that's not the case. I guess all I can do at this point is trust him. And pray. I need to do more of that, anyway. I need to have faith that love will win out in the end. After all, her drunken sluttiness is no match for my love. That I'm most definitely sure of.

July 17th, 2008

I'm still alive!

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And doing relatively well, too. Things at work have pretty much been smoothed over, although I sense that some damage has been done to my reputation that's irreparable. Michele has told me that anything she and I discuss in her office stays within those walls. I don't buy it one bit, though. I saw how she trudged out of her office the other day for a smoke break with the other girls trailing behind her, just waiting to hear the dirt from her, I'm sure. When I'm on breaks with her she'll talk shit about everyone else. I'll admit, I've never heard her repeat something said in a private meeting between her and someone else. But I wouldn't put it past her to let it slip through her loose lips. I just get the sense that Michele doesn't like me as much as she did before. She's seen the chink in my armor - my defensiveness, my quickness to anger, and all my insecurities. This whole week I've felt like I just don't have what it takes to do my job. I'm doing all kinds of things across the board; once I learn one thing, it's right onto the next thing.

I just wish things could go back to the way they were when I first started out and everyone was happy. Granted, Cindy has been her rowdy and funny self for about a week now - pretty miraculous! On my very first day she was lots of fun, but that immediately changed the next day when she was down in the dumps. I've found that Cindy is pretty manic, though most of the time I've been there she's seemed pretty depressed. I have also noticed that whatever mood Cindy's in seems to determine the general climate in my department. Shelly and Jackie are more inclined to laugh if Cindy's talking. So at the very least, things are pretty good between me and the other girls.

I'm still going to continue my job hunt online and look for work elsewhere. What I'm looking for now is a job with a higher pay rate, and perhaps an office with, I dunno, more MEN?! Hahaha. I'm sorry, but working with women is just a BITCH! (No pun intended.) I'm going to make job-hunting my job for however long it takes me to find something I'd truly excel at. I like data entry, but I'm not liking my position right now because of all the pressure being put on me. I do well under pressure if my boss respects me, but too often I feel like Shelly and Michele both look down on me for asking questions. There's SO MUCH to know at this job, it's hard to keep it all straight.

Well, I'm gonna cut this short and do some reading or maybe some more writing...I'm not sure just yet. I'm pretty tired after the volleyball game tonight. Angie showed up again, so it was cool seeing her. Mark was there, but I'm kind of indifferent to him. The new girl, Karen, showed up, and he was very chatty with her in a way that he definitely was not with me. It's okay, I get it. I'm not pretty. She is. I can deal.

I hate this fucking negativity. Most of the time I feel really unlucky, and I know it shouldn't be that way, but I do. I feel like I started this life far behind other girls my age simply by being who I am. And I can pretend to be someone else to propel myself beyond my circumstances, but that can only work for so long, and I end up hating myself by the end of the night. It's so hard to just get by anymore.

I'll try and be more cheerful in my next blog. Promise!

July 15th, 2008

Duh nuh na nuh na nuh na Na!

Yeah. That was fun! Wish my job was, too. I nearly walked out today after the little chat I had in Michele's office with her this morning. Oh, it was awful. She came to work with a bad attitude, and when I tried showing her why the First Energy mixed accounts weren't keyed, she became upset with me in front of the other girls. How unprofessional! So I just stood up and marched to her office and said, "Let's talk in here."

As soon as I shut the door I told her, "I'm at my wit's end with this job." I told her how I felt that she had unrealistic expectations of me, because she told me last week that it should take me about 3 hours to finish keying the FE mixed invoices, not the nearly 6 hours that it took me. I was still finishing some invoices today, and that wasn't acceptable to her. Mind you, there were a TON of invoices that came without any kind of address information - in some cases, only a city, but no zip code. Now how in the hell am I supposed to figure out an address when the spreadsheet says nothing, and neither does the UPS website??

I told Michele that when I found my very first invoice like that, I asked Shelly what I should enter. And she told me that if there was no name and nothing specific, to enter 'unknown.' Well, I got a ton of invoices that were like that, and I just assumed I could keep going in there and entering unknown. WRONG. Michele told me I should have called her over when I finished and asked her all at once about things, and said that would have made the process go much more quickly. I told her that I disagreed, because it took time to track down ANY kind of information for each invoice that was blank. But would she hear that? NO. She said, "Shelly knows FE like the back of her hand, so that would have made it quicker."

So to prove my point even further, I brought the sheet with the list of all the FE mixed accounts and counted them...there were 80 of them. I asked, "On how many of these will we get invoices to key every week?" She said, "I don't know." (Which is bullshit.) And then I said, "Well, there are invoices for many of them. Maybe 70." Then I asked, "And how many invoices are on each one, on average?" Again she didn't know...more BS. So I told her there were about 5, and actually, that's a conservative guess. Then I took out my calculator and did the math right in front of her. 70 x 5 is 350 (invoices). Divide the number of invoices by 60 (minutes), and you come up with 5.8 (hours). So if I spend one minute on each invoice, it will take me nearly 6 hours to finish the work - which is exactly what I've been doing.

And you know what she actually said to this? "I don't care."

Fucking lovely.

My boss wasn't listening to what I was saying, even though it made perfect sense. Honest to God, she's blaming the problem on me, when she should *really* be investigating WHY UPS aren't sending us specific address information. Toward the end of the conversation she said she'd look into that. And I hope she does because otherwise she's blaming it on the wrong person. And I will NOT take her shit anymore.

I nearly walked off the job today after hearing all her bitching and moaning. Then she had the nerve to tell me I had an attitude problem - it's like, I wonder why? She nitpicks about so many things in such an assertive way, I feel the need to defend my actions and to speak up. I'm not a shrinking violet, no way. Try as I might, though, I kept my cool and managed to last the entire rest of the day. Michele left half-way through, so that made it much easier for me. I'm going to have to face her again tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it one bit. I need to talk to her to get some peace of mind. She'd said she might sit with me next week to watch me keying the FE invoices, which would be good.

So here's my plan of action: I'll ask Michele tomorrow if she still plans on sitting with me next week or not. I'll also ask if she thinks that the problem is related to UPS, or if it is strictly my problem. If she thinks it's me, then I'm sorry, it's not. I've thought long and hard about what I could do to make things better, but I can't fucking do my job if there aren't any addresses provided. I am ABSOLUTELY in the right here, and if she doesn't see that, fuck her. I mean, seriously. I'm willing to give her one more shot, but if I don't like what I hear tomorrow I'm going to give her my letter of resignation. I'm actually going to go write it right now. Who knows - I may never end up using it, I might use it tomorrow, or I might use it two months down the line. Either way, it will be the secret weapon I keep in my purse. If she fucks with me, she better prepare to deal with the consequences. I've learned a lot in these two months, and right now I'm valuable to the company because of the wealth of knowledge I learned in that short period of time. They will have to train someone all over again. So really, this is their loss, not mine. And the ball is in her court.

All I can say is, good luck Michele.
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